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Alone in a Crowd

Sitting in the pew at church alone, while Hubster gives speeding tickets across the county, makes me feel like a tiny speck. A dot on a map. A flea on an elephant. I look at the families sitting together. A husband and wife, across the aisle, with children draped across their knees, listening to the sermon. A new couple that joined in December, sits a few rows in front of me. They recently announced that they will have a baby in October. Hundreds of people fill the sanctuary. There are a few women, like me, sitting alone. I know their stories, and they know mine. I wonder if sitting next to them would make me feel better.

It wouldn’t.

The sermon tugs at my heart strings. I want to elbow Hubs. I want to write him a note. I want to whisper my thoughts in his ear. I want to know what he thinks about this subject of suffering for Christ. But he’s not here.

We stand to sing another song. I sway in my high heeled shoes. Normally, he would steady me. The song feels hollow. My heart feels heavy. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be a widow. To know that when you go home, there will be piles of dishes, stacks of laundry, and no one to help you finish them. The song ends. We are dismissed.

I run to check on Bri before Sunday School. She spies me through the window before I even see her. She starts crying. I duck my head and turn away. She wants her Mommy.

I walk up the stairs to our couples class with a heavy heart. The room is warm with smiles and homemade breakfast. My friends are so understanding. We laugh and joke. I don’t want to leave. Last year, I would have gotten a group together to go out for lunch. But Bri has to nap after church. It would be awfully wild if we tried to skip her nap.

Sighing, I head down to the nursery, where Bri has been fussy for the last hour. The sweet lady holding her, looks visibly relieved when I walk in the room. There’s no question that she’s ready for her nap. I apologize profusely. She’s been fussy all week. Another tooth must be coming. We head for home.

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6 Responses

  1. That is so tough. My husband worked the night shift for over two years straight. It was incrediably draining and stressful. I know exactly how you feel. (((HUGS)))

  2. I can understand a little bit about what you feel…sort of. My husband and I have taken to going to separate masses now. He takes William to the 7:00am mass, and I take Kate to the 8:30am mass. Henry and Ella remain at home. There is no nursery at church, and the two little ones just can’t behave.

    So I go to mass, and I see all of the families, with lots of children–little children–all together, quiet and still. And I long for that for my own family. I miss that we don’t all attend mass together. I wish that we could. Someday.

    I guess it is a little different…you are longing for your husband, and I am longing for my family to be all together…Anyway, hugs to you.

  3. Oh my dear, I know what you are going through from the inside-out, being a military spouse. Thank you to your husband for the service he is doing in law enforcement and to you for supporting him. I know you are proud of your husband, and being married to him is worth the sacrifices you make…but it’s still so hard sometimes. Know that I’m thinking of you and will be praying for you tonight. :-) Feel free to drop me an email if you ever feel the need for extra prayer!

  4. I have sooooo much I want to say…..I’ll start with, I have NO idea how I found you….but have been reading for the last few entries.
    First of all about this one…..I think to myself, how many women did you validate in that post? Many, I’m sure, It was truthful and beautiful!
    2nd, I love the haircut, although she looks a bit older to me now. :^(
    3rd, the your so lucky to have a good baby…..I appreciated that one! We have a large family, we work extremely hard on parenting and so far, it is paying off. It is a full time, all day, everyday job. There is no luck in the fact that our children are respectful and well behaved. :^) I just thought that post was cute, I could obviously relate. :^)
    I think you sound fantastic and have a cutie baby to boot!
    amber

  5. My husband spent some time in Iraq so I feel your pain. It’s so hard. Wish I had better words but hang in there. :)

  6. Honey, I know just how you feel. It seems like I do everything alone these days, and the worst part is that my thoughts take over when there is no one there to tell them to. I have been trying to learn how to tell everything to the Lord, because it’s hard to go through entire days where I talk to cats. I’m praying for you and I love you!

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