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the baby bug

The sky opened up in a fresh shade of blue, but I could still see the purple thunder clouds looming on the horizon. After two days of rain, the golden sun slanting through the trees felt like warm rays lifting my heart. We were driving through the older part of town, on our way to a friend’s house for a surprise baby shower and Bible study reunion.

We sang the ABC song happily with Bri and just as we finished up with the next-time-won’t-you-sing-with-me part, the hospital where she was born came into view. I sighed happily and reached back to pat our big girl on the knee. “That’s where you were born, Bri. You came home with us from that place. You were just about this big.” I motioned with my hands and looked up at Hubs who grinned.

We passed the hospital and wandered through the neighborhood in our mini-van. I studied Hubster’s face in the golden evening sun. “I want another baby.” The words escaped my lips before I’d had the chance to weigh them. We have discussed this a lot recently. And each time we’ve concluded that we really do need to wait. I could see the frown etching across his face. Undaunted I turned around and patted the empty seat next to Bri.

“I want another car seat right here. A blue one. And I want to feel the weight of him as he grows inside me. I want to wade through the sea of boy’s names. To be a family of four. I want Bri to be a big sister. I want someone to knock over the legos that she’s built. I want her to learn to share her toys happily. And I want to have a tiny baby to cuddle with and to nurse. I want to be the only one who can soothe the cries of hunger away. I know we won’t get much sleep for awhile, but I even want that again. The expectation of being needed several times in the night. The delirious exhaustion. Even the morning sickness. I want another baby!”

Hubs smiled wearily at me but didn’t say anything. We’re both struggling with this issue right now. As much as we love the idea of having another baby, there are several obstacles in our way at the moment. Both of us feel that it’s not the right time to have a baby.

We arrived at the baby shower and discovered that most of the other couples from our old Bible study are expecting a second child. There were FOUR pregnant women at the shower! And one more couple is trying to conceive. It was a beautiful reunion. There were children scampering around that we had never seen. The adults seemed to all pick up where we’d left off two years ago, laughing and hugging.

As we drove home after the party, Bridoodle fell asleep in her carseat. She was exhausted from running around with the other kids. We savored the moments of silence. My words from earlier seemed to echo through the mini-van. We shared the ache together and hoped that the opportunity to have another child will come soon.

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3 Responses

  1. Well, you DO already have a mini van, so you might be closer than you think to a family of four. 🙂 I know it’s hard to wait. But you guys are being so wise to consider the obstacles and approach things realistically. Hang in there as you wait and pray for God’s timing!

  2. I love how you describe what you want. That was just beautiful. Especially the part about him knocking over her legos…because you KNOW that is going to happen!!!

    Pray on it. Really pray. I know the ache of wanting another. Good luck to you both in this journey.

  3. I have the baby bag bad. And I have a pretty broken heart over it. I so ache to meet my future kids. We are dealing with similar issues of having to wait. It doesn’t help that I lost my job either- just prolongs things. I seriously have been really depressed lately because of this topic! And it seems everyone else is pregnant but me. 😦

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